Series 1 episode 10

[00:00:01] Speaker A: The best music from the 60s to today. IPL radio. [00:00:06] Speaker B: And you're in the studio for all the things with Jen Jen. And I'm joined by the lovely Kylie again. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Thank you for coming back. [00:00:16] Speaker A: I'm excited to be back. [00:00:18] Speaker B: I know. [00:00:18] Speaker A: Hanging all week for it, to be honest. [00:00:20] Speaker B: Oh, man, we did such a good show last week, I had to just. Yeah. Ask you to come and co host. [00:00:27] Speaker A: Love it. [00:00:28] Speaker B: Yeah, love it, love it, love it. I think we mesh well. [00:00:30] Speaker A: We do. [00:00:31] Speaker B: Yes, we do. Crazy, crazy. I know, I know all the things. Yeah. We had some great laughs and laughter is really good for your health and your mental health. [00:00:43] Speaker A: Yep. [00:00:44] Speaker B: So how have you been trudging along? I know it's only Tuesday, but it's. [00:00:50] Speaker A: Look, it's been a bit of a tough week. Yeah, tough week. Yeah. Something yesterday was a bit triggering. Kind of got up in the morning and did something I shouldn't and doom scrolled before I got out of bed. Came across all these posts in. In different Facebook groups of an accident, a local accident and. [00:01:20] Speaker B: Oh, you shared it too, didn't you? I did, yeah. [00:01:23] Speaker A: Made me feel some kind of way. And then to the point I couldn't put my phone down and. Yeah. Shortly after I realized that it was actually a motorbike fatality. [00:01:34] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:01:35] Speaker A: So that definitely triggered me. Gets me going. [00:01:38] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:01:38] Speaker A: Like, holy, there's another mum out there that is. Oh, I just swore. [00:01:43] Speaker B: It's just the S word. [00:01:46] Speaker A: Oh. Just, you know that there's another. There's a family out there and. And a mum that's going to be. [00:01:52] Speaker B: Going through what you weren't. [00:01:55] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it got worse from there. It turns out it's. [00:02:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:04] Speaker A: Someone very close to people that I love and absolutely adore. [00:02:12] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:14] Speaker A: Turns out it was the ex. Partner of my niece. [00:02:17] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:19] Speaker A: The father to her little boy. [00:02:21] Speaker B: Yeah. That's terrible. [00:02:23] Speaker A: And then. Yeah. It just, I don't know, went through all the emotions yesterday. [00:02:28] Speaker B: All the emotions, yeah. [00:02:30] Speaker A: Triggered sad. [00:02:32] Speaker B: Yeah. How did you process, like, how did you get through that hard day? [00:02:39] Speaker A: Breath. [00:02:40] Speaker B: Breath. [00:02:41] Speaker A: Yeah. 100. [00:02:42] Speaker B: Back to breath. [00:02:43] Speaker A: Back to breath. Back to breath. [00:02:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:47] Speaker A: Multiple meditations. [00:02:49] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:50] Speaker A: And just really, really had to sit with myself a lot going through all those emotions and. And just came back to the breath. [00:03:00] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:03:00] Speaker A: Honestly. [00:03:01] Speaker B: So it is weird that you. You keep reminding me of that because when I get anxiety or panicked, obviously the first thing you notice is your breath. Yeah. And how much you can't catch it. [00:03:13] Speaker A: That's right. [00:03:14] Speaker B: Or it's. It's going so. And You. It's going so rapid that you are not in control and that's what makes you panic more. [00:03:21] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:03:22] Speaker B: So I think. Yeah. [00:03:24] Speaker A: There's obviously just a matter of bringing that into your. Bringing those practices into your life on a regular basis. It makes it easier at those times when you're going into an anxiety or a panic attack. [00:03:40] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:03:40] Speaker A: To remember what to do to. To get your breath back and to not lose it in that panic or anxiety attack. [00:03:50] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:03:53] Speaker A: I used to struggle. Used to struggle for sure of reminding myself of how to breathe through it. [00:04:00] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:02] Speaker A: Now it's. It's like it's second nature. I. I don't have full anxiety, panic attacks. [00:04:09] Speaker B: No. [00:04:09] Speaker A: Anymore. [00:04:10] Speaker B: And when you do feel that coming on, you know. Exactly. [00:04:12] Speaker A: I know exactly what to do. [00:04:14] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:14] Speaker A: You know, sometimes it's doing it for a little bit longer. Sometimes I use multiple practices. We spoke briefly last week about that. You know, the. I do the three things. Three things I can smell, three things I can see, three things I can touch. [00:04:31] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:32] Speaker A: You know. Yeah. Along with the breath. [00:04:35] Speaker B: Yep. And that's always helpful. And then you keep going through those. Yeah. No, I've. I learned those tools too. They are quite helpful. They just remind you kind of recenters you or grounds you, doesn't it? [00:04:46] Speaker A: 100%. Yeah, 100%. [00:04:48] Speaker B: Especially if you're outside and you're noticing the things in nature which you're probably taking for granted or not noticing because you're going through stress. [00:04:56] Speaker A: Yep. [00:04:57] Speaker B: I'm on the squeaky chair again. I hope everyone can't hear this bloody chair. I swear to God. So what advice or what, what would you tell people if they're going through this kind of early stages of grief and shock is there? Because obviously you had a few moments yesterday which. [00:05:19] Speaker A: Yeah. Look, the really early stages, if I'm to be brutally honest, I don't know that there's a lot that you can do in those early stages. You've really got to ride it. [00:05:36] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:05:38] Speaker A: But when I say early stages, I mean the initial first days. Yes. Weeks. I think. You know what I mean? Yeah. Anything past that, you know, that's when people kind of turn to alternatives of whether it be alcohol, drugs. [00:05:53] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:05:53] Speaker A: Medicaid or church. [00:05:55] Speaker B: Yeah. They're not always. Yeah. [00:05:58] Speaker A: But no. [00:05:59] Speaker B: You know, coping mechanisms aren't always healthy. And sometimes they can be music. [00:06:05] Speaker A: Music is huge music. If I wake up and I'm like a bit bl. The first thing I do. [00:06:13] Speaker B: Crank those tunes. [00:06:14] Speaker A: Crank it. Yeah, crank it. And I don't care if I've got Out of bed in a shirt in my undies. [00:06:19] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:19] Speaker A: And I'm. [00:06:20] Speaker B: You've got your home alone though. [00:06:23] Speaker A: And I will crank the tunes and I'll dance around like a fool. [00:06:26] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:26] Speaker A: Let it out. Loosen the body. Yeah. 100. [00:06:30] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:31] Speaker A: Music's good for the soul. [00:06:32] Speaker B: It so is. And like it brings us all together and it's so therapeutic. I love it. Yep, I love it. So. Okay, well, let's steer away from that. Now that we've touched on something, what do you think about what? So when coming up with ideas for shows, I usually go off. Things that are relevant have come up in that week or so and something came up in our show we did last week about the importance or how sexuality, health and mental health aren't separate, they're woven together and they impact every part of our well being. So I thought, you know, I know it's a bit of a taboo subject. Sex, desire and intimacy are taboo subjects, but they're also vital to human connection and mental wellness. So I thought maybe we can talk more openly about things like that to a degree and see if we can, you know, shatter the stigmatism behind, you know. [00:07:40] Speaker A: Yeah, that. [00:07:41] Speaker B: So I think it's important to normalize the conversation. [00:07:46] Speaker A: It really is, 100%. [00:07:48] Speaker B: And so I just want, yeah, any listeners to know that this is a safe and judgment free discussion. So we're going to try and be open as honest and we're going to try and get through those uncomfortable things or you know, bring awareness to things that you may not even have thought about. So I know that stress and anxiety and depression and trauma can affect sexual desire, performance and intimacy. Now I know that from experience. You know, when you've gone through something traumatic and you're in those lows, there's, there's either you could be one of two things. It could really put you out of that moment of needing or feeling like you want anything sexually. Or it could do the opposite where it could trigger you into hyper fixation on things. [00:08:46] Speaker A: Yep. [00:08:47] Speaker B: And you can seek that desire in that moment. So I think those two ends of the spectrum, obviously they're not healthy, but these are two ways that do get affected. But it's not also the person going through it, it's also their partner. [00:09:03] Speaker A: Yeah. So. [00:09:05] Speaker B: So people with partners that have depression, there has to be skills that they need to, that they would have to learn in order to support that person going through depression and not feel, you know, like left out. Yeah, I would imagine. Yeah. So I. Well, I. Yeah. So what, what do you. I was I was going to go to an experience or some. You know, there's so many different. [00:09:38] Speaker A: Yeah. I'm more than happy to. To share where I was at in regards to after losing my son. Look at the time of losing my son. My husband and I were separated. [00:09:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:57] Speaker A: When I lost my son, we did get back together. [00:10:00] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:02] Speaker A: Now a huge part of what ended that for good was this very topic. [00:10:10] Speaker B: Oh, really? [00:10:11] Speaker A: Very, very, very much so. The last thing I felt like or that I wanted to participate in. [00:10:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:22] Speaker A: Was any kind of sexual activity. [00:10:24] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:27] Speaker A: Unfortunately, that wasn't respected. [00:10:30] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:34] Speaker A: It wasn't understood. Do you know what I mean? Like, the Last thing I. 4, 5, 6 weeks after losing my son. I'm sorry, but I just was not there. [00:10:46] Speaker B: But. Yeah, you wouldn't be. And like. No. And even like you felt guilty about having a smile in a day. So where are you going to? [00:10:56] Speaker A: Exactly. Right. [00:10:57] Speaker B: Muster up. [00:10:57] Speaker A: I remember the first time I smiled and how bad I felt. I remember the first time I laughed after he was killed and how I felt. The last thing I wanted was to be intimate in any. [00:11:07] Speaker B: Yeah. And how long were you with your husband for? [00:11:10] Speaker A: 16 years. [00:11:11] Speaker B: 16. [00:11:12] Speaker A: 16. 16. So. Yeah. That. It wasn't respected. [00:11:18] Speaker B: And that was his dad. No, that wasn't his dad. [00:11:21] Speaker A: That. [00:11:21] Speaker B: Okay. Well, that would. Because if you're both parents, then he. [00:11:26] Speaker A: Would probably step down and he had been. He had been a part of his life for that. 16 years out of his. 19. [00:11:34] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:35] Speaker A: Do you know what I mean? And at the end of the day, you know, we had that marriage and. And those. There should have been more compassion. There should have been more understanding. [00:11:47] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:48] Speaker A: To the point where. Because I wasn't there and he was. Things like stepping outside of the marriage happened. [00:11:59] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:59] Speaker A: Which just created even more heartache and more pain at a time where the pain is already too great. Do you know what I mean? Like. [00:12:09] Speaker B: Horrible to have to deal with that on top of losing. Yes. That's shitty. Yeah. Oh. As well. [00:12:18] Speaker A: So, yeah, I completely get. You know, like, that just goes to show he may not have been his biological father, but he still was parental. [00:12:26] Speaker B: Figure for 16 years. [00:12:28] Speaker A: You know? And then of course, that. That kind of raised questions about his genuine feelings. Do you even give. [00:12:35] Speaker B: Yeah. Just. [00:12:36] Speaker A: Do you know what I mean? Like, how are you worried about getting down and dirty right now? [00:12:41] Speaker B: Yeah. Like, it's. [00:12:42] Speaker A: It's just not on my radar. [00:12:45] Speaker B: So let's. Let's go. So you had your marriage breakdown from that and. And he strayed. How were your. How was your confidence after that? So you've just gone through. [00:12:59] Speaker A: Look, there was confidence issues because this wasn't the first time that there was this kind of issue within our marriage. We were separated before my boy was killed. [00:13:11] Speaker B: Right. And sometimes traumas and things do bring people back together. [00:13:17] Speaker A: Look, I. I can't stand the bloke now, to be honest. I really can't. [00:13:23] Speaker B: That's right, isn't it? [00:13:24] Speaker A: That's. That's right. [00:13:25] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:13:27] Speaker A: But at the same time, I'm the first to admit that that initial time period, there was no better place for either one of us than together. [00:13:37] Speaker B: I was gonna say. [00:13:38] Speaker A: Do you know what I mean? [00:13:39] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:13:40] Speaker A: But that. [00:13:40] Speaker B: That doesn't give him the green light to go and do all that. [00:13:44] Speaker A: No. And I had got through. I was in that era of almost hiding all the emotion in front of my daughters. So once I was in the bedroom and that door was closed. [00:14:07] Speaker B: Oh, you just. [00:14:07] Speaker A: That's where I would lose my. [00:14:09] Speaker B: Yeah, sorry. I'm sorry. [00:14:11] Speaker A: That's where I would. That's. I think that's where it would. That's where it would all come out. And I'd wake up in the morning and I would cry. [00:14:19] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:19] Speaker A: And then I'd get it together before I went out and communicated with my girls. Not. Not advisable at all. Yeah. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. [00:14:29] Speaker B: Yeah. You kind of try and save your kids from that extra. I did the same thing. I did it so good. People didn't even believe what I was going through. [00:14:38] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:38] Speaker B: It's crazy what we do, and we do it because we're thinking we're doing the best for our kids. [00:14:42] Speaker A: Yeah. And I see it now that. Yeah. All I've taught my kids is to keep their emotions in check. [00:14:49] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:50] Speaker A: Do you know what I mean? [00:14:51] Speaker B: Are they learning a different way now. [00:14:53] Speaker A: Since I've been doing what I'm doing? Class work. [00:14:55] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:55] Speaker A: 100%. [00:14:55] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:56] Speaker A: 100%. [00:14:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:57] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:57] Speaker B: It's good that you've learned something from that and taken the positive and now your kids are as well. [00:15:02] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:15:02] Speaker B: And that you can pass that on. And that you can pass it on. [00:15:06] Speaker A: I'm huge. For showing your emotions in front of your kids. [00:15:08] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. [00:15:11] Speaker A: To a certain degree. [00:15:12] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [00:15:13] Speaker A: Don't hide it all from them. Like, they need to know that it's okay to not be okay and to have a cry and to, you know, obviously not hide away for weeks on end and. And not communicate with anyone. You know, that's not the kind of emotion you want to share with you. [00:15:31] Speaker B: Age but look, I've done all of those things. I've done all the things, so. Yeah. [00:15:38] Speaker A: Yeah, I've definitely, Definitely experienced both sides where, you know, my mind just wasn't there. And to be completely honest, it's still not. [00:15:48] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. Have you been with anyone since. [00:15:52] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. [00:15:53] Speaker B: Okay. [00:15:53] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:15:53] Speaker B: How long did it take you to. How. How long after the. Your son passed and you reconnected with your husband, did that fall apart? [00:16:07] Speaker A: Okay, so my son was killed in July, and we were done and dusted in May the following year, Mother's Day. [00:16:17] Speaker B: Oh. Oh, it does work out like that. It's so weird how something. Yeah, that's what will happen when you find. [00:16:25] Speaker A: When you find text messages to your best friend. [00:16:28] Speaker B: Oh, no. [00:16:28] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. [00:16:30] Speaker B: Oh, so you got a double whammy. [00:16:32] Speaker A: Oh, no, it wasn't hers. It wasn't her. You know, like, her responses are very good, like, what the are you doing? [00:16:39] Speaker B: Like, was he drinking? Even though that's not an excuse. [00:16:43] Speaker A: I know. That's totally. And it was on Mother's Day. [00:16:46] Speaker B: That's insane. [00:16:47] Speaker A: It was my first Mother's Day without my boy. Yeah. That was the last time he. He slept in the. The Jewel bed. [00:16:57] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. Get back in the spare room, mate. Yeah. [00:17:01] Speaker A: Get out of the house. [00:17:02] Speaker B: Get out of the house. Good. Even better. [00:17:04] Speaker A: 3:00Am in the morning, you're gone. Get out. [00:17:06] Speaker B: Oh, wow. Yeah. So I. I guess talking about marriages and stuff, like, I mentioned that my husband had broken his neck in a car accident. I honestly, I felt like I would break him even more if. So I didn't go near him over a year. Yeah. Because I felt like I would break him. And he was already completely broken, but in the same respect, he was broken physically in lots of ways. So. You know, it's a weird thing to talk about, actually, that one. But I think there were a lot of confidence issues with his recovery, and then obviously, the trauma from that with me, and then obviously, the way the marriage broke down was really traumatic. And. Yeah. Having those confidence issues and then having, you know, to build yourself back up again from something so devastating, it. Like, I'm normally very confident person in all the things, and I lost it. [00:18:19] Speaker A: Yep. [00:18:20] Speaker B: I lost all of that. And so I think that will take its toll on your mental health 100%. You know, it really did. [00:18:29] Speaker A: You know, I think this is where you need to do the inner work, though, because you. You gain that back over time. [00:18:39] Speaker B: Yeah. And. [00:18:45] Speaker A: I don't think I lack confidence. I lack the desire to be with anybody. [00:18:50] Speaker B: Okay. Yeah. See, I don't know when someone's being forthcoming and honest because of all the deception that I was put through. So I find it hard to believe that people desire me. Is that. Do you have that? Yeah. Yeah. So I never used to think things like that. So I don't even see when people flirt with me or anything. [00:19:17] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, I don't know that I. I 100 get what you mean. 100. I've been in one short relationship six months since. [00:19:32] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:19:32] Speaker A: My son. And remember being exactly there. Like, you're telling me all this. You're beautiful. And where have you been? In one. And all the. All the things. [00:19:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:19:46] Speaker A: You know, and I'm like, really? Like not. There was definitely a lack of confidence and. Yeah. Even worthiness of that. [00:20:00] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, because when someone cheats on you, I mean, I know that speaks more about them. And honestly, it's got nothing to do with you being not good enough. That's right. All about them. Yeah. [00:20:12] Speaker A: He's the one that was seeking validation. [00:20:14] Speaker B: Correct. Yeah. [00:20:16] Speaker A: But I needed it from more than one source. [00:20:19] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:20:19] Speaker A: He got more than enough validation from me. [00:20:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:20:22] Speaker A: But he. Yeah, he needed it. [00:20:26] Speaker B: Now we can validate that he's an a hole. [00:20:29] Speaker A: Yeah. Living out bush somewhere, continuing his downhill spiral of life. [00:20:35] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, I mean, that's what, you know, being a not honest person will get you. [00:20:41] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:20:42] Speaker B: Yeah. I'm gonna cut to a song. We're Gonna listen to Blink182 for all the small things. And we're talking about all those. Speaking about your ex. [00:20:52] Speaker A: I was just about to say I didn't tell you nothing. That is so appropriate. [00:20:57] Speaker B: Let's go. You just confirmed it. [00:21:01] Speaker A: We go. [00:21:01] Speaker B: All the small things. Blink 182. Shout out to Kylie's next. [00:21:11] Speaker A: The best music. [00:21:17] Speaker B: Ham. We're talking about sex, baby let's talk about sex, baby let's talk about you and me. All right. I might have to find that song. That was Def Leppard with Love Bites. Because. Because sometimes it does. [00:21:35] Speaker A: Sometimes it bites hard. [00:21:37] Speaker B: Sometimes it does. So I wanted to talk about the correlation between your sexual health and your mental health. And so we've touched on a few things. We've got a few more things to touch. [00:21:53] Speaker A: Stop saying touch. [00:21:54] Speaker B: I know, I know. [00:21:56] Speaker A: Make me feel uncomfortable. [00:22:00] Speaker B: You love. We're gonna do that thing where we have to. Oh, thank God for that button. So I wanted to talk about. I got Kylie laughing. I wanted to talk about how stress, anxiety and depression can affect your sexual desires. So. But also how sexual expression can boost your mood and your confidence. And self esteem and even your immunity. So they say that hormones are messages and how shifts in estrogen or testosterone, cortisol or oxytocin play a role in both mood and sexual health. So what do you think about those? I know that, you know, when everyone's like, I'm going through menopause, I'm going through perimenopause. Apparently I've just reversed my early onset of menopause, so I'm no longer in perimenopause. [00:23:03] Speaker A: Well, that's nice. [00:23:04] Speaker B: I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:23:06] Speaker A: God. I was thrown straight into menopause with a full hysterectomy. [00:23:08] Speaker B: I've had a hysterectomy too. [00:23:10] Speaker A: Wow. [00:23:11] Speaker B: Yeah, Four years ago. So, I mean, I still got my. My ovaries. Ovaries, yeah. Have you got yours? You don't. Do you have to have hormone replacement? [00:23:20] Speaker A: Meant to. Oh, my God. That's a whole nother topic, girl. [00:23:24] Speaker B: Yeah. What about growing a beard? Do you grow a beard? Yeah. You do? That's the thing. [00:23:28] Speaker A: I'm scared of my chinny chin chin. [00:23:31] Speaker B: Always have tweezers on your hair. That's the bit I'm scared of. It was horrible. [00:23:37] Speaker A: That's not the worst of it, though. So I. [00:23:40] Speaker B: How does it. [00:23:41] Speaker A: I find taking hrt. [00:23:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:23:46] Speaker A: Because it increases the chance of breast cancer. [00:23:49] Speaker B: Right. [00:23:49] Speaker A: I've got breast cancer in my family. [00:23:51] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:23:51] Speaker A: So I'm like, oh, no, not doing that. [00:23:53] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:23:54] Speaker A: So my recent diagnosis of osteoporosis. [00:23:59] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:24:00] Speaker A: Is because of my hysterectomy and because I didn't take hrt. [00:24:05] Speaker B: I did not know that that was a thing. [00:24:07] Speaker A: Uhhuh. And if someone had told me, hey, you should be taking calcium, vitamin D and all the things. [00:24:14] Speaker B: All the things. [00:24:15] Speaker A: All the things. Well, then maybe I wouldn't be riddled with osteoporosis of 48 years old. [00:24:20] Speaker B: Yeah. Right. Yeah. No, I've got arthritis and stuff and things setting in. But I have just had a cortisol test at the doctor's. I think it was. Was it last week? I can't remember. It was last week. Yeah. I had to have my cortisol tested. And, you know, you have to go in there between 8am and 9am and you can't eat and whatever, and then they take. They have these vials for you. This is getting somewhere. I promise. People, they. They have to be on ice when they take your blood out and it has to go straight into. It has to go on ice and then they put it straight into that spinny Thing because they have to be able to. So they can test the stress level. Stress hormone levels in your blood. [00:25:03] Speaker A: Yep. [00:25:04] Speaker B: And so I've been doing that because of all this trauma and because, you know, it affects, like, my hair was falling out, my teeth were hurting, and I'm like, am I going through menopause? My hormones are all out of whack. So for the last six months, I've been trying to. Even on insulin because my blood sugars were out of whack. And now I've stopped that so I can test them. It's like, it's crazy what hormones and all the things do to your body. And, like. So we were talking. Yeah. And it does affect how you feel in yourself, and then that then affects how you feel with someone else. [00:25:45] Speaker A: Within your relationships. Yeah. [00:25:48] Speaker B: Within your situationships or your. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I saw something on Facebook today, real lationships where you send reels to each other and that's. Your relationship is sending reels. I don't think it'll affect that, but, yeah, I'm good with the reels. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, your hormones and everything do play a big part. A huge. [00:26:13] Speaker A: A huge part. [00:26:14] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:26:15] Speaker A: And again, everything comes back down to the nervous system. [00:26:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:26:23] Speaker A: Do you know what I mean? So if you're continuously stressed or got that anxiety and you're living in fight or flight, you're not. Yeah. Your hormones are all out of whack. Cortisol. Yeah. Like, it literally all comes back down to your nervous system. [00:26:50] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:26:50] Speaker A: Your nervous system is. Is wired for survival. [00:26:54] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:26:55] Speaker A: So you. [00:26:55] Speaker B: Mine's very wired. I know that. Add that with my ADHD and. [00:27:01] Speaker A: Whoa. [00:27:02] Speaker B: Hey, guys, you want to party? Oh, push the name. But do you know, the funny thing is, I've been sitting here learning how to edit today, and now I'm just feeling sorry for who's gonna be editing. [00:27:22] Speaker A: This. [00:27:25] Speaker B: For the YouTube channel at IPL. No, I think it's good to have a laugh, though. And especially because, you know, I mean, not everyone wants to talk about these things. And I think it's important to get past that uncomfortable bit and be comfortable and lean into it until you're okay. [00:27:41] Speaker A: The more. The more we normalize it and talk about it openly like this. [00:27:46] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:47] Speaker A: The more people are going to feel comfortable and open to do this amongst. [00:27:52] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:53] Speaker A: Amongst themselves. [00:27:55] Speaker B: It is normal. Yeah. [00:27:56] Speaker A: You know, it was never spoken to me as a teenager. [00:28:00] Speaker B: No. [00:28:00] Speaker A: No. [00:28:01] Speaker B: Do you want to know my mum's advice to me? Always keep your man happy so he doesn't go anywhere. Else. [00:28:06] Speaker A: That was disgusting. Sorry. [00:28:07] Speaker B: Well, she's passed on now. [00:28:09] Speaker A: Oh, sorry. Sorry. [00:28:10] Speaker B: That's fine. That's fine. She knows. [00:28:12] Speaker A: Shitty advice. That is. That is not okay, though, because. [00:28:19] Speaker B: Yeah. Can I just say I. Yeah. [00:28:21] Speaker A: I kept that bloody man happy. [00:28:23] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:28:24] Speaker A: Do you know what I mean? [00:28:25] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:28:25] Speaker A: His needs were met. The damn site. More than mine ever were. Yeah, I hear you. Yeah. [00:28:33] Speaker B: I didn't just motion my pinky finger. No. Can I just say what you were talking when we cut to the song and how you hadn't actually spoken out about that issue in your relationship, in the breakdown, how much that made you feel better, just talking openly about it. [00:28:51] Speaker A: 100. It always does. And it's just. It's just another thing that I've pushed to the back. Do you know what I mean? [00:28:59] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:28:59] Speaker A: Okay. He was a piece of. [00:29:01] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:01] Speaker A: And it is what it is. Well, no, you know what? It's actually not like what you did. [00:29:08] Speaker B: Yeah. And that's in the timing. Yeah. [00:29:10] Speaker A: It's disgusting. [00:29:12] Speaker B: It is like. [00:29:14] Speaker A: But again, it's says more about him than it does me. [00:29:18] Speaker B: Absolutely. Yeah. And I think if we're still triggered by things, then it obviously still holds power. So it's good to sit here and talk through those things. So. So that it doesn't have any power over us. And I know for a long time I didn't feel like I was a desirable person after. I mean, you don't get married just thinking, oh, well, I'll just get a divorce and marry someone else. I wasn't ever going to get married and I didn't plan on not being married. So the fact that that ended. I felt like a failure. [00:29:57] Speaker A: Yep. [00:29:58] Speaker B: And that then resulted in me not feeling desirable to anyone. [00:30:04] Speaker A: And that's horrible, isn't it? [00:30:05] Speaker B: It is terrible. [00:30:06] Speaker A: I know. Without any doubt whatsoever. I mean, look, none of us are perfect. [00:30:14] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:30:15] Speaker A: But I definitely didn't step outside of either one of my marriages. [00:30:17] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:30:18] Speaker A: I definitely didn't physically hurt either one of those men. [00:30:21] Speaker B: Yeah. Until you found the text. No choice. [00:30:24] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. I did heard him that morning. It was a slip of the. I'm not condoning violence. But it was. That was. Yeah. [00:30:37] Speaker B: I would have thrown the phone at him somewhere. Yeah. Namely. Yeah. Yeah. But no, I think it does. And I think, like, how important is communication consent and emotional safety in sexual health? Health. So when you're with someone and you can't communicate your needs, you can't, you know, they're not going to respect your consent. Yeah. And they're not going to make you feel emotionally safe. In that. In the bedroom or out of the bedroom? How. How does that play a big. It plays a massive role in everything. [00:31:15] Speaker A: Huge. [00:31:16] Speaker B: In and out of the bedroom. You know, communication around your needs, your desires, your dreams, your wants. [00:31:23] Speaker A: To be honest, going through that with my ex husband after my son was killed confused the hell out of me. [00:31:29] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. [00:31:30] Speaker A: And added more pain. [00:31:33] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:31:34] Speaker A: Because I just couldn't get why he couldn't get that I didn't want to. Yeah. [00:31:42] Speaker B: How about you just hold me and make me feel. [00:31:46] Speaker A: Hold me. [00:31:47] Speaker B: Loved. [00:31:47] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:31:48] Speaker B: So I can get through this. [00:31:49] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:31:50] Speaker B: And we can be happy or we can, you know, learn a different kind of normal. But I still feel supported by, you. [00:31:56] Speaker A: Know, your person's love language. Yeah. Seriously, what is your love language? [00:32:01] Speaker B: Touch. Yeah. Oh, good, good show topic. They say that they. Oh, what they say that I just. [00:32:09] Speaker A: Pulled you up on when you were talking about time. There's a desk between us now. Definitely touch, you know. [00:32:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:32:23] Speaker A: In the kitchen, cooking pasture and yeah. Tap you on the butt. That kind of thing. Or put their arms around you or just. [00:32:32] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:32:33] Speaker A: The holding hand. Like all of it. [00:32:35] Speaker B: I think there's a thing where you can actually test what your love language is. I think there's a thing on. [00:32:40] Speaker A: I think there is. [00:32:41] Speaker B: I think there is. [00:32:42] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:32:42] Speaker B: Let's. Let's try that. But so your. Obviously you've been married twice. What was your first husband's like? With consent and compassion and making you feel. [00:32:57] Speaker A: We really go in there. [00:32:58] Speaker B: Okay. We don't have to. Let's. What is your love language? So I think there's like three. They say that your love language is what triggers you the most. The opposite of something. Is that right? What is your love language? So what are they? What are their. There are five love languages. Yep. Words of affirmation. [00:33:20] Speaker A: Yep. [00:33:21] Speaker B: Talk dirty to me. Yeah. [00:33:23] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:33:23] Speaker B: Quality time. Physical touch. [00:33:26] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:33:27] Speaker B: Acts of service and receiving gifts. Why can't we just do all five at once? No. [00:33:36] Speaker A: Honestly, I don't know why we can't have all five. [00:33:38] Speaker B: I know we all. [00:33:38] Speaker A: We're all deserving of all five. [00:33:40] Speaker B: Yeah. Right. Let's quick comparison chart. So words of affirmation, verbal expressions of love, appreciation and encouragement. So it might be yours if you like hearing I love you. [00:33:52] Speaker A: Often I'm kind of between that and the person and the touch. [00:33:55] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay. [00:33:56] Speaker A: You know what I mean? [00:33:56] Speaker B: Like, and you thrive when you're encouraged by others. [00:34:00] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:34:00] Speaker B: If this sounds like a partner, say so. If your partner sounds like that, say I'm mean more. I love yous and thank Yous. You matter to me's and the like. Yeah. Okay. So quality time. Giving another person your undivided attention. You make time for others. You feel disconnected when you don't spend enough time together. So your partner. If this sounds like your partner, hold their hand. Be generous with affection and other types of pda. Oh, PDA is a taboo subject. And prioritize sex if it's important in the relationship. This does tie into the show. Physical touch. So connection through appropriate physical touching. Non sexual and or sexual. So it might be yours if you're a touchy feely person. You feel most loved when embraced, embraced or touched. And if this is like your partner, this might be your partner. Hold hands, be generous with affection and other types of pda. And prioritize sex if it's important in the relationship. I like how they put that. [00:35:01] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:35:02] Speaker B: What do we got next? Acts of service. Selfless, thoughtful acts that make a person's life easier. I think that's cool. You're happy when someone helps without being asked. Actions speak louder than words for you. I think I might be that. Make. Ah. So if this is your partner, make the meals. Take on a chore or two around the house and draw them baths. [00:35:23] Speaker A: Oh. [00:35:24] Speaker B: Light some candles. All right. Receiving gifts. I think this is a bit, I don't want to say materialistic. So tangible tokens of love and thoughtfulness. So you pride yourself on giving thoughtful gifts. You most appreciate meaningful gifts. Surprise them with gifts outside of special occasions and bring home their favorite treat or make. Or buy or make them gifts that are personal. I think my fan is blowing on me. I have a fan today. It is a bit warm today. Yeah. So words of affirmation as a love language. Oh, so that tells you. Yeah. So yours is between words of affirmation. [00:36:03] Speaker A: Because I think we all. [00:36:04] Speaker B: I think they all kind of pay play important part. [00:36:07] Speaker A: I think everybody deserves all of that. [00:36:09] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:36:10] Speaker A: And Yeah, I think 100. Like I. I would want all of that. [00:36:17] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:36:17] Speaker A: And I would want to give all of that. [00:36:19] Speaker B: Yeah. Same, same. I think I do all of those things when I. When I'm in. [00:36:23] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. [00:36:26] Speaker B: And what about pda? What. How much is too much? [00:36:30] Speaker A: Let's have a look at that pda. [00:36:32] Speaker B: Yeah. What do you think about. [00:36:35] Speaker A: Yeah, that's exciting. [00:36:38] Speaker B: Oh, we're talking. That's a very public display of affection. Public toilets at a cinemas in Rockingham. I'm just gonna cut to a song now. Do you know what? This one's really appropriate. We're going to talk about Public displays of affection after this one. This is Chris Brown and this is one of my sexy songs, under the Influence. Have you heard this one, Carly? She's still laughing. [00:37:17] Speaker A: The best music from the 60s to today. IPL radio. [00:37:23] Speaker B: And you're back in the studio for all the things at IPL Radio with Jen. Jen and Kylie. I just figured out how to look up from all the songs that we have on our files. Yes, I did. [00:37:37] Speaker A: I just. [00:37:37] Speaker B: I figured it out and I feel like I am accomplished. [00:37:40] Speaker A: You're proud of yourself. I am. [00:37:41] Speaker B: So that was Kiss. Let's it put. Put the X in sex and before that. I don't know what that was, but that was a random song. What was it? Dicks are for My friends don't know whose song list that was from, but thank you for that one. So we're talking about all things sex and mental health related tonight. And so, yeah, if you are uncomfortable with the subject. Thank you for joining us. And maybe switch off until 9 o'. [00:38:11] Speaker A: Clock. [00:38:11] Speaker B: I don't know. No, I think. [00:38:12] Speaker A: Oh, no, no, it's very entertain. [00:38:15] Speaker B: No, I'm joking. [00:38:16] Speaker A: I want to encourage you to sit with the uncomfortable. [00:38:18] Speaker B: Yeah, let's do that. Because. [00:38:21] Speaker A: Nothing. What's that saying? My God, I've gone blank. [00:38:27] Speaker B: Well, that's okay. I've got sex on fire next. Yeah, Lean into the uncomfortable and get through it. What did you say? [00:38:37] Speaker A: I said I drew her blank. [00:38:43] Speaker B: We were talking about public displays of affection before we cut to the song because someone had a hysterical laughing fit. Much like now. So how much is too much pda. So a general rule is to assess your surroundings. So if you're in a public swimming pool, assess if you're alone and ask if your actions would be acceptable in front of your own family or in a professional setting. [00:39:11] Speaker A: Seriously, the first one. [00:39:12] Speaker B: Look at what I just told you. [00:39:16] Speaker A: I didn't. [00:39:16] Speaker B: I'm not saying any details. You just told everyone. [00:39:20] Speaker A: I can't believe that's the first thing that's. [00:39:22] Speaker B: Only you knew the relationship to that comment. So. Yeah. So your surroundings, the context matters. A quick hug or holding hands might be fine in a park, but inappropriate during a formal event. That's a bit weird. Or in a place of worship. Yeah, I get that one. Or at work, your audience. Think about who is present. Kylie, think about all those kids in their floaties and all your floaties. [00:39:52] Speaker A: Oh, push the death button. [00:40:02] Speaker B: We're having way too much fun. You've just gone the same shade as your drink bottle. [00:40:09] Speaker A: I can feel the blood rush into my head. [00:40:12] Speaker B: Which one? [00:40:15] Speaker A: Oh my God. [00:40:17] Speaker B: You know, we knew this was going to be a funny, funny subject and a funny show. So good for my mental health. Yeah, we need to normalize it to be normalized. Absolutely, absolutely. So yeah, think about your audience. [00:40:34] Speaker A: Let's talk about you and me. [00:40:36] Speaker B: Let's talk about all the good things. What about the nature of the act? O Kylie, Listen to this one. Subtle gestures like holding hands, a quick kiss or an arm around the shoulder are usually acceptable. Prolonged kissing of any form or intimate touching that would happen in public crosses the line. [00:40:56] Speaker A: That's interesting. Society Google said that. [00:41:00] Speaker B: I don't know about that one. Impacts on others. If your PDA is drawing stairs or making people uncomfortable, that sounds like a. [00:41:07] Speaker A: Them problem, not a you problem. [00:41:09] Speaker B: What about your partner's comfort? So it's important to ensure both partners are comfortable with the level of affection shown. 100. I've driven along the freeway and I was in a higher, like a higher off the floor car and I could literally. No, it wasn't you this time that they were engaging. The female was pleasing her partner. [00:41:32] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:41:32] Speaker B: In the car. [00:41:33] Speaker A: Yeah. So I've never done that. [00:41:36] Speaker B: That's interesting that you say that. I think you know, it's. If it, if your partner is comfortable with it then. And it's. Look, you don't have an audience in there unless you're driving alongside a four wheel drive and you're in a very low down car. That's a different thing. That's just an example. [00:41:58] Speaker A: You've got to remember there's all those. [00:42:00] Speaker B: Trucks on the road that have got bird type. Imagine creating a car, a truck accident. Because you're doing these things. Oh, sugar. I was trying to like be serious too. [00:42:14] Speaker A: But do it safely. [00:42:15] Speaker B: Do it safely. Yes, do it safely. Let's go back to. Okay, so. Oh, here we go. Practices that build body awareness, mindfulness, breath work, Tantra somatic therapy. I was actually studying tantric. [00:42:30] Speaker A: Really? Yeah. [00:42:31] Speaker B: I got to intermediate and that's when I had my separation. [00:42:35] Speaker A: Yep. [00:42:35] Speaker B: So you know you have to practice those with someone you trust. [00:42:39] Speaker A: Yes, very much so. [00:42:41] Speaker B: So when people hear oh, you know, Tantric, then yeah, they like do some stuff to me, you know. Do you know how many times I've heard that? Yeah, it's not for them, it's for me. But yeah, it's something you have to build together, that kind of thing. So. But that was something I was actually interested in actually teaching other couples how to maximize. Real. [00:43:06] Speaker A: Deep way of connecting. [00:43:08] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. [00:43:09] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. On a different level. [00:43:11] Speaker B: Yeah. So There is. [00:43:12] Speaker A: It's not about the in, out, done, dusted. [00:43:15] Speaker B: Although sometimes they're, you know, equally as nice. Especially, you know, at Adventure World and things like that. [00:43:24] Speaker A: Oh, wow. [00:43:26] Speaker B: Wow. [00:43:26] Speaker A: She went there. [00:43:27] Speaker B: Or. Or in the car. So you've never done that? No. Okay. Notice I say nothing. No, I'm just. I'm just staring everybody. Yeah, I think everyone has tried. [00:43:43] Speaker A: I used to live in the country and do trips to the city regularly. [00:43:46] Speaker B: Yeah, like, sounds like you did a lot more than that. Regularly trips to the city in inverted comments. What have we got? So we've got that exploring sexuality as a form of self care and healing rather than to performance. I think that's awesome to note. Like it is part of expression. It's part of. Yeah. So not just about your performance, but rather it being a part of healing and self care. [00:44:15] Speaker A: Very much so. [00:44:16] Speaker B: Yeah. I like that. I like that spin on things. It. I'd be interested to know what people's opinions on this is. So if you are listening and you have some comments, some feedback or a story to share, please don't hesitate to message me. Just don't send me any pictures, please. Yeah, yeah. So Jen. Jen Pollard on Facebook. [00:44:40] Speaker A: No eggplant pictures. [00:44:41] Speaker B: No eggplant emojis, please. Yeah, or you can go to send us an email with any stories or comments or things you'd like us to talk about. All the things. IPL radiomail.com and so, yeah, no, I think making exploring sexuality as a form of self care and healing rather than just performance, I think that takes the. [00:45:08] Speaker A: Pressure off, comes back down to that connection. [00:45:11] Speaker B: It does, but also that would build confidence in itself just to have that different perspective and approach it from a different angle. Sorry, I didn't mean that. But as I said it, I can't help it. So what are you. What are your thoughts on that one, Kylie? What about inclusivity and identity? So how exploring or affirming sexual orientation or gender identity impacts mental health. [00:45:42] Speaker A: I'm just going to turn my back to you. Can you repeat that? Because I actually can't look at you right now. I don't know why, but coming to. [00:45:50] Speaker B: You from Rocking Cam ipo, baby, you. God, this would make such a good podcast because if you could see how red Kylie's face is right now, you would know. [00:46:01] Speaker A: And you know what? I don't even know why. Hello. I sold intimacy products. [00:46:08] Speaker B: Okay. [00:46:09] Speaker A: And when Rooms full of women. [00:46:12] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:46:13] Speaker A: And talked about all this stuff and. [00:46:14] Speaker B: You never went this. [00:46:15] Speaker A: No, it was second nature. Educating women on their sexual health and well being, but this is just next level. I don't even know. I just don't even know. [00:46:26] Speaker B: Is it my fault? Is it me? [00:46:29] Speaker A: I tried turning my back to you so I didn't have to look at you. I'm just going to keep looking down at the desk. [00:46:34] Speaker B: We're doing this from the podcast room next time you need to see this. Honestly, I knew we were going to have some laughs and stuff, but this is hilarious. Okay, so what's the question? What I said was exploring or affirming sexual orientation or gender identity and how that impacts your mental health. Hang on, I'm just getting some messages too. So you've got yours down here. Yeah. So can you read the next one? [00:47:05] Speaker A: The mental health risks of shame, stigma or rejection versus the empowerment of authenticity and acceptance. The mental health risks of shame, mental health risks are huge. [00:47:23] Speaker B: Yeah. So I think, I think with all the awareness and acceptance and everything of, you know, everyone's different, sexual orientation or gender, I think that has created more comfortability for people to be themselves. [00:47:41] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:47:42] Speaker B: Without having to try and fit the mold self into a mold or a box or you know, you know, I know that I'm not always clear on certain things and titles and things and I, I, I don't often get it right, but I don't do that out of disrespect. But I think that the more we learn and the more we're around things, the more comfortable things get and the more awareness we all have, even me for, you know, I mean, so yeah, I think that's important. Where are we building supportive communities that allow safe exploration of identity? So here at ipl, we have, you know, we have a diverse family here and we are all accepting and all loving of all everyone. [00:48:29] Speaker A: As it should be. [00:48:30] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think it should be like that everywhere. [00:48:32] Speaker A: 100. [00:48:33] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm getting some weird comments, so I'm just trying to shuffle them. [00:48:37] Speaker A: Really? [00:48:38] Speaker B: Yes, yes. Oh, Lord. Let's have a look. So what the. Okay, okay, okay. Some of these I can't read out. So if you can send me anything that is within, you know, radio kind of pretext, that would be awesome. Self pleasure and those who openly do it in front of others. I just heard that's a good topic. [00:49:08] Speaker A: Who are the others? [00:49:10] Speaker B: Oh, yes. That comes down to PDA again, I mean, I don't, Ah, so this is really hard because I want to talk, but I don't want everyone to know my business or see my business because, you know, you can't talk unless you're. [00:49:28] Speaker A: Willing to share them. Because now. Okay. [00:49:30] Speaker B: So I think being comfortable with a partner, I think you should be comfortable to do anything. And I think. How do you say this without. [00:49:42] Speaker A: I'll try anything once. Yeah. [00:49:44] Speaker B: I'll try it three times. First time you might be nervous, might hurt. Third time, you know, if it's for you. Okay. So in front of partners. So have you ever felt comfortable to self. Please. In front of your partner? Is that a thing that you. [00:50:04] Speaker A: Oh, do you want me to tell you a whole story? [00:50:09] Speaker B: If you want to. I mean, keep it. [00:50:11] Speaker A: Okay. Clean both marriages. We'll talk about the last one. [00:50:17] Speaker B: All right. [00:50:17] Speaker A: The other one's long gone. [00:50:18] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:50:19] Speaker A: But it was. [00:50:22] Speaker B: Oh, I'm so sorry. For your last art. [00:50:25] Speaker A: No, I'm not. It was always, always about what I could do for him. Okay. And I had never been comfortable with self pleasure at the best of times. Definitely not in front of him. [00:50:47] Speaker B: All right. [00:50:48] Speaker A: Right. [00:50:49] Speaker B: Did you sell your pure romance while you were with him? Yeah. [00:50:53] Speaker A: Yes, towards the. Towards the end. [00:50:55] Speaker B: Okay. Right. [00:50:56] Speaker A: So selling pure romance, learning all the things. Definitely brought me out and definitely changed things up. [00:51:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:51:04] Speaker A: So a big argument between him and I was. Sorry if this is too much information. [00:51:12] Speaker B: But anyway, fine. We've got a disclaimer is that. [00:51:17] Speaker A: He would finish and I wouldn't. [00:51:19] Speaker B: Yeah. Right. [00:51:19] Speaker A: Basically. [00:51:20] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:51:22] Speaker A: And had no desire to make sure I was pleasured. [00:51:28] Speaker B: No. [00:51:28] Speaker A: Because he was done. [00:51:29] Speaker B: No. He was. [00:51:30] Speaker A: No. No Rollover snoring within two minutes. [00:51:33] Speaker B: No. [00:51:33] Speaker A: 100%. And it got to a point in our marriage where, God, I would roll over and cry like multiple times because he. He made excuses to. To not assist me. [00:51:50] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:51:52] Speaker A: Because his business was already done there. [00:51:54] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:51:55] Speaker A: But, you know, could quite easily and pleasurably pleasure himself and that was okay. Yeah. So then I started doing my pure romance. [00:52:05] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:52:06] Speaker A: Learned a whole lot. [00:52:07] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:52:10] Speaker A: And for those nights where he was finished and I wasn't, I would go to that bottom drawer and I would. [00:52:17] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:52:17] Speaker A: Pull Bob out and lay down next to him and pleasure myself. [00:52:23] Speaker B: Yeah. And how was that for your mental health? [00:52:26] Speaker A: That was freaking invigorating. That was empowering. [00:52:30] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:52:30] Speaker A: Freaking. [00:52:31] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. [00:52:32] Speaker A: Seriously. [00:52:32] Speaker B: No, I think it's better than laying there 100. [00:52:35] Speaker A: And especially when he would crack the shits basically, and get up and leave the room. [00:52:40] Speaker B: Oh, really? [00:52:41] Speaker A: Are you kidding me? [00:52:42] Speaker B: Yeah. Right. [00:52:43] Speaker A: You. You had a choice. [00:52:44] Speaker B: Yeah. Like, was he ever into that side where he wanted to please you or does that just go away with that long of marriage? Because it must have been good at some stage. Question mark. [00:53:00] Speaker A: Yeah, maybe, Maybe. But it Was never. Look, for me it was better than. Than the first 10 years with the first husband. Brutally honest. I was with my first husband from the age of 16. Married him, had three kids to him. [00:53:16] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:53:16] Speaker A: It wasn't until I left and I had relations with somebody else. [00:53:24] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:53:25] Speaker A: That I realized that in that 10 years I'd actually never had the big O. Yeah. [00:53:30] Speaker B: Right. Really. [00:53:33] Speaker A: Really. But I didn't know any different. [00:53:34] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:53:35] Speaker A: And it was such a taboo subject within our home. Like my birth giver never had any kind of discussions with me about. Around sex or any of that sort of thing. [00:53:46] Speaker B: No. Well, you heard my advice. [00:53:49] Speaker A: Yeah. It was. It was never. It was so taboo. Yeah. I've gone completely the opposite with mine. [00:53:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:53:56] Speaker A: You know what I mean? Like, let's talk about sex, baby. Seriously. [00:54:00] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:54:01] Speaker A: Because I didn't know any different. [00:54:02] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:54:03] Speaker A: I spent 10 years with that man. [00:54:04] Speaker B: You don't want you. And I'd never grow up unhappy and crying while their partners are snow. Yeah. [00:54:10] Speaker A: So. Yeah. Self pleasure. I'm all for it. [00:54:13] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:54:14] Speaker A: All for it. [00:54:14] Speaker B: Yeah. Same same. [00:54:15] Speaker A: And I would never be in a relationship again where that wasn't accepted. [00:54:19] Speaker B: Yeah. No, I think so too. And I think if you can't, I mean, you know those moments of, you know, relief and pleasure and you know, the sexual health and things, they're not always going to be with someone else. [00:54:32] Speaker A: Yeah. So it's not. Yeah. I just want to get rid of the stigma of it being bad dirty. [00:54:39] Speaker B: Yeah. It's not. It's not. It's healthy. [00:54:41] Speaker A: It's healthy. [00:54:42] Speaker B: Everyone does it. They just don't talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:54:46] Speaker A: But that's just it. We should be talking about. [00:54:47] Speaker B: And that's why we are. [00:54:48] Speaker A: It is okay for all the things. [00:54:50] Speaker B: It is okay at IPL Radio. Yes. [00:54:53] Speaker A: And how many people do it and say that they don't? [00:54:55] Speaker B: I know. [00:54:56] Speaker A: It's because it's. [00:54:58] Speaker B: I have had some comments that should be talked about that people need to do it before they go on a. Before they go on a first date. Is that. Have you heard of that? People do it before they go on a first date. So they don't. Yeah. [00:55:11] Speaker A: Wow. [00:55:11] Speaker B: So that they don't, you know, go too quick or they're not too antsy for it. Maybe. I don't know. Let me just keep reading. You have to keep stuff fresh but also happy and healthy and well, any other way you can be at one with each other. No, I agree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:55:32] Speaker A: That's actually exactly. That's actually a really good comment. [00:55:34] Speaker B: Yeah. That is awesome community. [00:55:37] Speaker A: I don't, I don't care what anyone says. Communication's key for every aspect of your life. [00:55:42] Speaker B: And I think being comfortable with someone that you can explore anything with within your own comfortabilities with each other. [00:55:50] Speaker A: But again, without that communication, you don't know what the other person's comfortable and not comfortable with. [00:55:55] Speaker B: Don't even. [00:55:56] Speaker A: You can go through years thinking, oh no, they wouldn't do that. And you've had that desire to. [00:56:02] Speaker B: Oh yeah. [00:56:02] Speaker A: And if you had have just freaking spoken about it. [00:56:04] Speaker B: Yeah. And because this is what people cheat for. Because. Well, I don't know, they. They stray or they sabotage. [00:56:11] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:56:11] Speaker B: Because their needs aren't being met. But they're not communicating them. [00:56:14] Speaker A: They're not communicating them. [00:56:15] Speaker B: So communication is the key. And. And that would create that comfortability and that oneness with each other. So. [00:56:22] Speaker A: And having more conversations like this. [00:56:24] Speaker B: This. Yeah. [00:56:25] Speaker A: Openly. And making it more socially acceptable to talk about sex, to talk about orgasms, to talk about sexual health and well being. To talk about all those things. [00:56:34] Speaker B: Yes. [00:56:35] Speaker A: It's going to make couples, it's going to make it easier for them to talk amongst themselves too. [00:56:44] Speaker B: Yeah. So you don't have to go through those times where you're laying there crying because they haven't met your needs and they're selfish. [00:56:51] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:56:51] Speaker B: If you talk, hey, babe, by the way, you know, you've been come, you've been coming, you've been a little bit selfish and I really don't feel like you're interested in making me happy and meeting my needs. Something like that. [00:57:08] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:57:09] Speaker B: Yeah. And that would stop a lot of issues. [00:57:11] Speaker A: Come up with suggestions of. [00:57:13] Speaker B: Of what could come up with a lot of things. [00:57:15] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. No, come on, we're going to get through this. [00:57:20] Speaker B: Yeah. So yeah. If you don't ask, you never know the answer. So be sure and talk honestly and you will find nirvana. Good one. Good one. Someone said expensive, lots of batteries, but they are rechargeable now and they're cordless and wireless. [00:57:40] Speaker A: You know what? I would never own a battery operated toy. [00:57:45] Speaker B: Have you heard of horror stories? [00:57:47] Speaker A: Like so many. Really. So can you tell me so many. [00:57:51] Speaker B: Can you tell me some what has anyone's exploded while they're using it and had damaged their bits. [00:58:00] Speaker A: Yeah. Where the acid like leaks out of the battery. Yeah. [00:58:06] Speaker B: And that's common knowledge. [00:58:08] Speaker A: I don't know if it's common knowledge. [00:58:11] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:58:11] Speaker A: Suddenly blew my mind. [00:58:14] Speaker B: Right. And this is something you learn doing pure Ms. Yeah. [00:58:17] Speaker A: Yep. [00:58:19] Speaker B: Right. Yeah. [00:58:21] Speaker A: I would never own a battery operated toy ever again. And I think you could literally have just put new batteries in it and you can guarantee it's going to itself before, right? [00:58:30] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. [00:58:31] Speaker A: And then you're searching the kids toys or the remote controls and. And all the things that have got batteries. All the things. [00:58:36] Speaker B: And then you've lost the moment. [00:58:37] Speaker A: No, you just buy it. You just buy a USB power board that's got like 10 USB slots and you just put them all on charge. [00:58:47] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:58:48] Speaker A: Oh, my God. What are you. What? [00:58:51] Speaker B: No. Oh my God. [00:58:54] Speaker A: What are you reading? [00:58:55] Speaker B: I'm reading vibrator horror stories. [00:58:57] Speaker A: There we go. [00:58:59] Speaker B: These. I've got a different kind of horror story. So. [00:59:04] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:59:04] Speaker B: I used to teach first grade in small rural school district. During show and show and tell, a little girl whipped out her mum's vibrator. She turned it on and proudly watched the toy wiggle across her desk. One of the other kids yell, cool. Can we touch it? And I forcefully said no and made her put it away. Then I made her wash her hands. Oh. That wasn't exactly the horror story I was going for. [00:59:26] Speaker A: I. [00:59:26] Speaker B: But it is hilarious. [00:59:28] Speaker A: I have heard that story multiple, multiple times where kids have. Yeah, you hear those kind of stories. Doing pure romance and doing the parties. [00:59:43] Speaker B: Oh, wow. I'm reading wrong. Horrors. These aren't the ones I wanted to read. Oh my God. Oh, my God. I once used an electric toothbrush as a vibrator and my sister unknowingly used it to brush her teeth. When I was done, it was pretty gross. This isn't the horror story. [01:00:06] Speaker A: Oh. [01:00:08] Speaker B: Oh, no. My grandma had just died, so my sister and cousin and I were rummaging through her closet looking for mementos to keep. That's when I found my dead grandma's white vibrator. I walked down your nana. That's the kind of nana I am. No. [01:00:25] Speaker A: Hands down. [01:00:26] Speaker B: Have you got any? [01:00:27] Speaker A: Have I. [01:00:28] Speaker B: Come on, tell me. Yep, yep. Go. [01:00:31] Speaker A: Go on. Pure. [01:00:31] Speaker B: Oh, the leaking batteries. [01:00:32] Speaker A: There we go. That's what I was just looking for. [01:00:34] Speaker B: Oh. I bought my first vibrator a couple of years ago and I completely overworked the poor thing. One night I was using it with fresh batteries and it suddenly stopped. I opened the battery compartment to change them and an nauseous. A noxious fume cloud greeted me as well as two leaking sizzling batteries that threatened to overflow the vibrators battery. I'm pretty. Pretty sure my life flashed before my eyes. Well, that wasn't like a damaging one, but it's still shocking. Yeah. Have. What have you Got. [01:01:02] Speaker A: Oh, I came up with the same list. By the looks of it. I've got a horror story. [01:01:10] Speaker B: Okay, give me one. [01:01:11] Speaker A: I went away for a little while and went over east and left a couple of boxes at my. My then best friend's house. [01:01:19] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:01:20] Speaker A: And coming back from Melbourne, rocked up back to her house on her birthday to surprise her. And the first thing she says to me is that she used my vibrator. [01:01:32] Speaker B: What? [01:01:33] Speaker A: But it's okay because she washed it. I'm not gonna have a bad. Yeah, now that's yours to keep. Happy freaking birthday. Use Go. [01:01:42] Speaker B: That's terrible. But. What, like. Okay. Why'd you go through your stuff? A B? Yep. Who does that? Inserts view emoji here. That is disgusting. [01:01:56] Speaker A: So gross. [01:01:56] Speaker B: Right? Oh, I've got worse ones, but I can't say on air. I'll tell you during a song. Should we cut to a song? [01:02:02] Speaker A: Yeah, go on. [01:02:03] Speaker B: All right, how about tell me you want to do. Yeah, okay. Okay, here we go. We've got some Justin Timberlake and Timberland with Sexy Bag. [01:02:13] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. [01:02:14] Speaker B: Coming to you from Rockingham ipo. And you're back in the studio for all the things. And we're talking about sexual health and mental health and how they tie in together. There were some good songs. Some are hit and miss. Some are hit and miss. I did play that was Sexual Healing from Marvin Gaye. Very, very ample sex bomb Flipper. That was a bit weird. That wasn't the sex bomb. I was thinking. [01:02:41] Speaker A: No, it's not the one I was thinking of. [01:02:42] Speaker B: The other one was Sex bombs there. Oh, was that Tom. Tom Jones? [01:02:47] Speaker A: I think so. So I don't know what that one was. [01:02:50] Speaker B: That was not. That was not normal. That wasn't a normal song. So we did cut that one short. It was a bit weird. So the important intersection of mental and sexual health. So everyone has their own sexual orientation and erotic orientation. So it's important to distinguish the two. So talking about sexuality, especially pleasure. Oh, I'm tongue tied. Remains taboo or at least uncomfortable. So we're trying to take away the uncomfortability. We're trying to talk about it. So. And some therapists lack training in how to talk to clients about sexual concerns without shame or judgment. But they can learn. So this is from Psychology Today. What are we. I just found some good ones. Let's have a look. I did find some good ones. So I think healthy sex versus sexual health. Words matter. In sexual therapy, for instance, we don't say healthy sex because that implies there is unhealthy sex and it becomes binary. None of this has anything to do with non consent. This isn't even about sex. It's about power and control and taking away someone's agency. In sex therapy we use the term sex positive. This is not like anything goes. It's about how you become positive and allow your client to have permission to know their own idea of what their erotic and sexual health is. Not automatically pathologizing someone's sexual and erotic interest. You want to go from trauma to triumph. You can't help a client triumph over sexual trauma as a therapist if you don't know what sexual health looks like. So the first thing to know is there's a difference between sexual orientation and erotic orientation. So sexual orientation is when we're attracted who we're attracted to to. While erotic orientation is what we get off on our fantasies, our turn ons, etc. And just because we have sexual identity doesn't mean that our fantasies are all going to. I have the squeaky chair, sorry. Are all going to line up. Just because you identify as a straight man doesn't mean you prefer your preferences. Behavior and fantasies are all towards women. That might include some men. For straight women, it might include some women. For gay men too, might include some women. And same for true. Same is true for lesbians. So we really look at people who come in holding some shame and low self esteem and I think this is where it comes to the mental health side. You know, people thinking they're damaged goods. What's wrong with me? Because our culture doesn't talk about sex. Clients come with depression, anxiety and shame not knowing the difference between sexual orientation and erotic orientation. And they don't want to waste their valuable time teaching their therapists about sex. They don't want to justify or legitimise. What they want to do is safely health. What they want is safety, health and well being. So words we use are important. Sexual health should be the first words we learn to say. For more than 20 years it was a sex addition. I was a sex addition addiction therapist. I'll get that right. So I think they would be highly qualified. There was no training at all around sexual health. I helped clients understand their traumas and out of control behaviours, but wasn't able to help them understand what about sexual health meant. I've since rejected much of what I learned as a sex addiction therapist since it did not help me work with clients on sexual pleasure and was not sex positive. So changing the words that we use when talking about sex, we can help shift someone's sex. Self perception. Self perception about their desires and their erotic orientation. So if we talk about sex work instead of oh, the loaded word prostitution, therapists become uncomfortable work about work centered around sexual. All right. And they call it exploitive. All right. So yeah, I think it's all about how you address things and speaking more positively about it. So then you can work through the traumas and get to the triumph part. Does that sound right? [01:07:05] Speaker A: Yeah. And I feel like the more positively you speak about things, obviously taking out the trauma side of things, but the more positively and openly things are talked about, the more accepting and normalized those things are going to become. [01:07:26] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:07:27] Speaker A: As well. [01:07:27] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:07:30] Speaker A: God, you could literally. Yeah. You could talk for days on this. [01:07:34] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, they're bringing in like porn and sexual imagery, erotic media and things like that. And how it's not a problem about pornography. What is it? They're saying there should be no shaming in this. It's obvious literature. Have you heard that before? [01:08:00] Speaker A: No. [01:08:00] Speaker B: Yeah. Right. Okay. So this is a form of self pleasure. [01:08:07] Speaker A: Pornography. [01:08:08] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. So porn. [01:08:12] Speaker A: And obviously the contents of that pornography. [01:08:14] Speaker B: I think it is where the issue. Yeah, that's true. [01:08:17] Speaker A: Comes in. [01:08:18] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:08:18] Speaker A: But you know, you, your standard porn, so to speak, between a male and a female or females and I don't see anything wrong with that. [01:08:29] Speaker B: No. [01:08:32] Speaker A: You know, same as engaging in, in watching pornography when you are a part of a couple even like that's cool. Yeah, yeah. [01:08:42] Speaker B: But each to their own. [01:08:43] Speaker A: But. [01:08:43] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about if you're with someone and they find those things embarrassing? [01:08:54] Speaker A: I feel like that's when you've got to work together and again communicate and openly talk about for one, why it makes you feel uncomfortable. [01:09:08] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:09:08] Speaker A: That's the other person. For why it doesn't make them feel uncomfortable, why they need it. [01:09:13] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:09:13] Speaker A: You know, and you try and come to a happy medium between the two. I feel like stuff like that a lot of the uncomfortableness comes from lack of knowledge, lack of exposure. [01:09:27] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:09:29] Speaker A: And the shame that may have been put on them by parents, society. [01:09:36] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:09:37] Speaker A: I think it's a very normal and natural thing to do. [01:09:43] Speaker B: Yeah. Within reason. Yeah. [01:09:45] Speaker A: Obviously there's some pornography out there that is just. Yes, yes. [01:09:49] Speaker B: Yeah, that's completely. Yeah, that's different. Yeah. So what about the mental health risks of shame, stigma and rejection? So. Versus the empowerment of authenticity and acceptance. So building supportive communities that allow a safe exploration of identities and that should be within your relationship or with your friend, you, whoever you're engaging with. It should be that kind of exploration. Exploration and comfortability. So talking openly with partners about mental health and sexual needs is. Is important. The role of therapy. Psychosexual therapists. Oh, that might be a job I'm suited to. Relationship counselors, trauma informed practitioners. Everyday practices, stress management. Stress management. [01:10:40] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:10:40] Speaker B: Exercise, sleep and nutrition for better mental health and sexual health. Because I know when I don't have enough sleep, I am not good in a healthy way. [01:10:50] Speaker A: No. [01:10:50] Speaker B: And I've been running on not good sleep for a long time. [01:10:53] Speaker A: Yeah. So you know, and you, you lose all desire as well when your mental health isn't. [01:11:00] Speaker B: You do. And what about medications as well? [01:11:04] Speaker A: Medications have a huge impact on your sexual. [01:11:06] Speaker B: Absolutely. [01:11:07] Speaker A: Well being. [01:11:07] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:11:08] Speaker A: And your sexual drive. [01:11:09] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:11:10] Speaker A: That is one thing that you know through pure romance that I did. It was a topic, you know, for anyone that hasn't been to a pure romance party or a party of that kind. When it comes time for the ordering, ordering is always one on one. And one thing that I really prided myself on while doing that is not limiting the amount of time that I would spend one on one with that person. I've been known to talk women out of of the most expensive vibrator because I've spoken to her and really got to the bottom of what it is that she wants within her relationship. Whether it's solo, whether it's with a partner, whether it's. I don't know if I can. [01:12:00] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:12:01] Speaker A: Go there. Whether it's clitoral or penetration that she wants. Do you know what I mean? [01:12:06] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:12:08] Speaker A: I've forgotten where I was even going with that. God is so bad today. [01:12:12] Speaker B: I'm. I'm right there with you. [01:12:13] Speaker A: Holy crap. [01:12:15] Speaker B: Yeah. Oh. Can I ask you what about fibromyalgia and your sexual. [01:12:20] Speaker A: Well, you know. You know what? Too much info again. But I've been playing solo for a very long, long time. [01:12:29] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:12:32] Speaker A: But it is, it is a bit of a vicious circle too because your mental health kind of deters you from being intimate. You don't have that drive, especially the fibro. You don't have that drive. The longer you go without either self pleasuring or intimacy with your partner, the harder it is to find that desire. [01:12:58] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:13:00] Speaker A: Obviously if you can push past that. [01:13:04] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:13:05] Speaker A: And either self pleasure or engage in a healthy way with your partner and. And again, communicate and express exactly what it is that you need. [01:13:17] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:13:17] Speaker A: You can rebuild your sexual desire and wanting that. [01:13:28] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:13:31] Speaker A: Yeah. Got the brain fogs bad. [01:13:33] Speaker B: Yeah. So what about a normal amount of. In intimacy a couple should have in a week? [01:13:40] Speaker A: I Wouldn't like to say what's normal because everybody. [01:13:45] Speaker B: Yes. [01:13:45] Speaker A: In every aspect of life is different. [01:13:47] Speaker B: Yeah. So 47 of married couples have sex less than once a week. [01:13:52] Speaker A: Yep. [01:13:53] Speaker B: That's insane. [01:13:53] Speaker A: Huge. Right? [01:13:54] Speaker B: That's insane. [01:13:55] Speaker A: Huge. [01:13:56] Speaker B: So. But they say most typically couples or have generally reported to having sex one to two times a week. [01:14:05] Speaker A: Yep. [01:14:06] Speaker B: Is that a week or a day? Week. [01:14:07] Speaker A: Week. [01:14:08] Speaker B: Okay. So factors such as health, age and relationship dynamics can significant. Significantly influence sexual frequency. Ultimately, what is considered normal for one couple may differ from another. And it's important for couples to communicate openly. We go back to communication about their sexual needs and preferences. So, yeah, I mean, there's obviously lots of. How often do married couples have sex that would be different to. Let's have a look. First year. Oh, what about in the first. [01:14:42] Speaker A: Yeah. Multiple times a day. [01:14:44] Speaker B: One to two times per week for most couples. Main decline after the first. [01:14:49] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:14:49] Speaker B: What? One to two times per week for the first time? First year. [01:14:53] Speaker A: Oh, I find that hard to believe. [01:14:55] Speaker B: I find that very hard indeed. 20% of couples in relationships have sex a few times per year. What about age? Oi. Is it true that when you hit menopause that things disappear for a woman? It is true. [01:15:14] Speaker A: And where does it go? Freaking hard pill to swallow. I was 35 when I had a full hysterectomy and lost all sexual drive. Like there was just no desire whatsoever and had to do a lot of inner work and communicate what it was that I needed. [01:15:35] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:15:36] Speaker A: You know, a little bit of a fun fact. Women need. Most women need about 20 minutes of foreplay to reach that ultimate orgasm. [01:15:49] Speaker B: Yeah. Yes. Okay. [01:15:51] Speaker A: Yeah. So many of us don't get it. Whether it be the male is unaware, whether it be because we're time poor. [01:16:05] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:16:06] Speaker A: Whether it be who they are or. [01:16:08] Speaker B: We are all of us limited for time. [01:16:10] Speaker A: Limited for time. So wham, bam, thank you, ma'. Am. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. [01:16:16] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. So I think going back to communication is. Is important. And I think communicating would help take away that stress factor which would help take away those issues that could. Could create later on. [01:16:31] Speaker A: If you don't have good, honest, open communication, there is going to be issues every which way you turn. [01:16:39] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:16:39] Speaker A: You've got to be able to communicate. Hey, I'm not up for that. Hey, I'm up for that. Hey, I'd really like to experiment and I'd really like to give this. Go watch your. Do you know what I mean? Like, everything's got to be communicated. [01:16:50] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. [01:16:56] Speaker A: By not communicating, I Feel like that can have an impact on like decline with your mental health too, because you feel stuck. You, you feel like, well, look at me. [01:17:11] Speaker B: Physical of. Yeah. [01:17:12] Speaker A: Minimal orgasms. [01:17:14] Speaker B: Yeah. I think physical health has a big part in both how frequent you are and how the longevity of it is too. And then they say there's sexual peaks in the 20s and 30s. In your teenage and early adult years, the hormone levels are raging, so there's lots of boning. In your younger years, work and kids are not as much of a concern. So that's obviously a big factor. So you have more time and energy for sex. One reason sex can take a back seat is because our body changes and as we age we can often result in less sex. So it's important to find someone that matches your libido. Doesn't matter about your age and everything else. I think your libido and then I think who you're comfortable and you can communicate with. Yeah, I think it goes back to that. And I mean ultimately if you do find that that would benefit your mental health in the end as well because you're, that's not another issue that comes up. [01:18:16] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. [01:18:17] Speaker B: So, yeah, because I've, you know, I've heard people, you know, you hear, what is it the 40 plus women that they find at their new sexual drive when they're 40s. [01:18:28] Speaker A: Yep. [01:18:30] Speaker B: Or when they hit menopause or whatever. So that's quite often when they, what do they call it when you're with someone younger? What do they call it? Cougar. Cougar. There you go. Yeah, yeah. So I mean there's lots of different variables there and. But I think ultimately finding something healthy for both you and your partner and a healthy partner whereby you can be comfortable and confident and it would help everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think so. So lifestyle and stress play a big part. Money problems and kids. Kids. [01:19:09] Speaker A: Kids. Yeah, kids. [01:19:11] Speaker B: If you're running around with littleies, I mean it's going to make things harder if they get enough and things like that. That's here. There's a good chance you won't feel frisky if you're experiencing brain fatigue or stress. Yep. Yeah. You're not feeling frisky, are you? [01:19:28] Speaker A: Nope. [01:19:28] Speaker B: You're so fatigued. Long hours make you tired too. So it does not help either. When kids are small, sexy time also suffers. Oh. Parents no longer have time or the energy for sexual as they're busy taking care of kids. That is a big part. [01:19:44] Speaker A: So it is a huge part. And again you, you lose that desire because you're so impacted by your day to day life again. Communicate, show that love and affection and that touch and that is all going to bring on the desire to go there no matter how tired you and buggered you are. [01:20:08] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:20:09] Speaker A: Either, you know, it's when you're exhausted all the time and you go to bed, the kids have gone to bed, it's quiet and you just want to crash. [01:20:21] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:20:23] Speaker A: By introducing. Yeah. The foreplay, the bit of role play even and. And things like that. You are, no matter how exhausted you are, you're going to build that desire to go there. [01:20:42] Speaker B: Yeah. Quickies bring excitement before kids show their faces. Apparently. [01:20:48] Speaker A: What was that? [01:20:50] Speaker B: Yeah. If you've got kids. Quickies brings excitement before the kids show up again. Yeah. Right. [01:20:57] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:20:58] Speaker B: I mean, you know, sometimes if that's all you can have, then that's all you can have. So. Yeah. But you know, there's 5 to 10, 5 to 10% of couples have sex three to four times a week. I think that's normal. Yeah, I think that's normal. But you know, that's when you're in a relationship or when you have a regular partner or whatever you've got. So having good sex can make people feel closer. When partners show off. Wow. And vulnerability. Oh. They grow. When couples have regular sex, they become closer to each other. Having sex releases hormones that make you happy. That's why we feel so good. [01:21:38] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:21:39] Speaker B: So yeah. Having good sex makes you happier in the relationship. I would agree with that one. A role of intimacy and emotional connection. Good sex needs intimacy. Partners that feel safe and bonded have better sex. They say what they want. This builds understanding. It is more important to care for each other and to feel for one another emotionally. Having emotional intimacy makes sex better with time. Qualities more important than quantity. [01:22:08] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:22:11] Speaker B: Those who have sex regularly tend to like it. When partners enjoy their sexual experiences. They want to keep going. People want more sex after orgasm because of more hormones release. Good sex also builds a bond. The emotional bonds builds desire for physical intimacy. Regular sex makes relationships better. I think that I would agree with that one. Frequently I'm trying not to read comments that are coming through right now. How frequently we have sex is defined by our culture. Some people refrain from sex outside marriage because due to morals or family values. Hello. That is normal. I don't agree with. What is that? Some people believe that casual hookups are normal. No. I think this is something you need to discuss in your relationship. If that's what works for you, then go for it. [01:23:07] Speaker A: But I don't Think that should just be assumed or that that's any. [01:23:13] Speaker B: That is something you need to discuss so that there's no broken trust or things that will wreck your relationship because that will then result in trauma and mental health issues. Culture where sex is the sex ratio isn't equal, sex is less. Where men are breadwinners and the women stay at home and play the role of mum, couples tend to become less attractive to one another. But as social norms change, our sex lives may improve. One research foundation Young American couples who had more sex when men did housework. I find men that do housework very sexy. [01:23:47] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:23:47] Speaker B: Don't you? Yeah. Yep. You gonna cook dinner? Yeah, babe. You're getting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna rub my feet? Oh, you're getting some. Oh, you're gonna do the dishes? Oh, you can have some more. No. Everything we see on the screen here in the music. Hearing the music shapes our thoughts and process regarding the sexual aspect. It's hard not to feel inferior when we see celebrities with perfect bodies and steamy pictures. But media also helps people to get what they want. More people are comfortable with their sexuality. It's important to understand that dreaming is different from real life. When we compare ourselves too much, we stress for no reason. Yeah. So all these AI and filters and airbrushing, it creates this perception that you have to be perfect in order to be desirable. That is not true, although I do understand that feeling because quite often we are compared to these perfect people that don't exist. [01:24:50] Speaker A: Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And that's just. I don't know. That's just going to get worse and worse as the years go on, honestly. [01:24:58] Speaker B: So. Communication strategies for couples. Speak. Think freely about what you want and need inside the bedroom. Talk about your wishes freely and safely. Check in whether both of you are satisfied with each other sexually. Talk about how to tackle problems like workload or stress. Listen without getting defensive. Respect each other's feelings and perspectives. Don't just talk. Communicate with affectionate hugs. Be optimistic and keep things fun. I got a hiccup. Sorry. What a funny place to have a look at. Addressing barriers to increasing frequency. It can be tough to get in the mood if you're feeling tired, stressed or disconnected from your partner. So making time to be together to stay close. Swap messages to help you relax and have some physical contact. Keep your expectations realistic based on your individual circumstances. You can manage things like duties, chores or looking after kids and take away your energy. Chat about your sex drive is. Chat about why your sex drive is less and get medical or therapy support if you need to. Don't forget how vital sex is for your relationship and for your mental health. So, you know, this is where breath. [01:26:09] Speaker A: Work and hypno can help. [01:26:10] Speaker B: Again, can I ask you a question now that you've mentioned that? How does breath. How can breath work change your sexual pleasure? [01:26:19] Speaker A: It's all about the nervous system. [01:26:21] Speaker B: Do you have. Do you have. Sorry, I'm gonna turn that off. Do you have, like, tips and tricks that you can suggest to partners that might want to try different breathing for enhancing their sex? Or is. Is there something you would suggest? What about the Kundalini breath work? [01:26:46] Speaker A: I'm. I'm not. [01:26:48] Speaker B: You're not there? [01:26:49] Speaker A: I'm not there. I'm not. [01:26:52] Speaker B: But have you done that? [01:26:55] Speaker A: Not fully. [01:26:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:26:57] Speaker A: No. [01:26:57] Speaker B: Okay. Like, just in someone else's class. [01:27:01] Speaker A: Yeah, definitely something I would. And I want to dive deeper into. [01:27:06] Speaker B: Yeah. You want to dive deeper? Yeah, yeah, yeah. [01:27:12] Speaker A: I mean, but yeah, again, things like your. Your breath work and your hypnotherapy and it's when you're stuck in your head and replaying old stories like you're not enough and that you can't let go and that you don't deserve this. Obviously, your body shuts down. [01:27:37] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:27:38] Speaker A: Again, your nervous system goes into protection mode instead of pleasure mode. [01:27:43] Speaker B: Yeah, that's true. [01:27:44] Speaker A: Okay, so, yeah, through breath work, we can definitely bypass the mind and drop into the body. [01:27:55] Speaker B: Yep. [01:27:58] Speaker A: Conscious, connected. Breathe in. Quiets the mental chatter. [01:28:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:28:05] Speaker A: Releases stored tension and reactivates your natural flow of energy. Yeah, yeah. And that includes sexual energy. [01:28:18] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:28:20] Speaker A: I don't know. Breath work. Yeah, it just opens up the space to feel again in every aspect. [01:28:27] Speaker B: Do you think people, certain people can ooze sexual energy? Have you met people like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think they know? They do. Some people do. [01:28:38] Speaker A: Some people do. Some people do. Yeah, some people do. [01:28:43] Speaker B: So they're saying that body image issues are a big thing which play a part with mental health issues surrounding sex, as well as trauma and ptsd, as well as stress and anxiety. These are things that. That create mental health issues around your sexual health. Yeah. [01:29:01] Speaker A: So that's where you need to implement practices like. And it might sound silly and people might laugh, but, you know, get up in the morning and. And do a little chant to yourself in your bathroom mirror and. And. And tell yourself that, damn, I am fine. Tell yourself that you love yourself. Like, do that inner work. [01:29:25] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:29:25] Speaker A: Like. [01:29:27] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. So I've got a few comments here. Males must ejaculate three times a week to lower the risk of prostate cancer by 30%. So. [01:29:39] Speaker A: Wow. Is that actually a fact? [01:29:43] Speaker B: I just got it here. So fake beauty. Fake beauty is sexy. What? I don't know about that. A woman must have pretty toes for one to rub her feet. I agree. What's this one? Oh my God. Terrible. [01:30:00] Speaker A: Push the button. Push the button. Push your button. [01:30:07] Speaker B: Someone's trying to push my button. [01:30:10] Speaker A: Somebody wants to. [01:30:11] Speaker B: An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. People just letting you know. Yeah. So my eyes have gone blurry. My eyes have gone blurry. I think it's been a while. No. Recognizing the interplay between sexual and mental health is crucial for holistic well being. Professionals in both fields should collaborate to provide comprehensive care addressing both sexual health conditions and mental health issues. Individuals experiencing difficulties in either area are encouraged to seek support from healthcare providers to improve their overall quality of life. By understanding and addressing the connections between sexual health and mental health, individuals can work towards achieving better overall health and well being. That sounds perfect. That's what we're trying to address. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm going to cut to a song and go grab some water. So how about hit me with your rhythm stick for all the boys out there. Here comes Ian Jury and the blockheads with hit me with your rhythm stick. [01:31:24] Speaker A: Oh, how'd you like that? [01:31:26] Speaker B: That was cute. And you're back in the studio with all the things at IPL radio you're joined by Jen, Jen and Kylie. We're having fun talking about all things about sex and mental health. We have had a few laughs. [01:31:46] Speaker A: Just a few. [01:31:47] Speaker B: Just a few. A few moments where this is need. [01:31:56] Speaker A: Someone likes pushing the button. [01:31:59] Speaker B: Who doesn't like buttons if the right one to push. I know. And that's what we're talking about. When to put the. Where to push the right buttons and when. No. Okay. So we've touched on everything I say is wrong right now. It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think it all comes down to communication and comfortability. I did have a few questions so I'm going to go to the ones I can read. Let's have a look. Let's have a look. Why? Okay. I don't know that one. That wasn't it. Let's have a look. What have we got? Oh okay. What about men's issues as well as intimate and feelings and all the things too. We just keep to it. Keep to ourselves. I mean that's not something I'm. But I'm happy to explore that. This is. [01:32:58] Speaker A: This is where again these conversations need to be had and there needs to be safe places, safe groups, safe organizations when both men and women can have those open conversations with somebody if it's not their partner, to be able to then relay and teach them how to have those safe, uncomfortable conversations with their partner. I. I don't know. I feel like there needs to be support groups. Yeah, like I don't even know if there is, but. [01:33:36] Speaker B: Okay, well let's. I've just typed it into my computer, so because I'm not a man nor identify as one, I'm going to try and get Google to help me or medical news today as I've got this one up Most people experience sexual health problems at some point in their life. Some sexual health problems that can affect males include persistent difficulties with erections, ejaculation, or lack of sexual desire. So this comes from underlying medical conditions, medications, mental health issues, and relationship problems. After addressing any underlying causes, doctors can easily treat most sexual health problems. So let's have a look. A Note about Sex and Gender Sex and gender exist on spectrums. This article will use the terms male and female or both to refer to sex assigned at birth. So that's important to know. So Sexual Dysfunction A person experiencing sexual dysfunction may have problems with sexual desire. So a person who experiences problems with sexual desire. My God, there's so many S's and X's. It's like tongue tying. I'm a little bit tongue tied right now. May have little or no interest in sex. That is not typical for them. It is different from asexuality which which is sexual orientation. Arousal A person may experience desire and be emotionally in the mood for sex, but their body does not respond. Orgasm A person may be in the mood and able to have sex, but may not be able to climax or achieve orgasms. Dealing with sexual dysfunction can be difficult and stressful, but there are treatment options, so please seek help from your general practitioner. Sexual dysfunction can affect people of all ages, but the likelihood of experiencing sexual problem increases with age. So I think this is more commonly talked about with older people. But I do know that younger people have. I know like people that drink a lot of alcohol, have issues and even medications and drug use can affect. Let's have a look. So erectile dysfunction is regular a reoccurring problem with achieving or maintaining an erection that is hard enough for sex. That would be frustrating for both and it could cause issues and then cause, you know, things like stress and feeling dissatisfied and I don't know, not confident. So it is more a most common sexual problem that males report to the healthcare professionals it affects 30 million males around the globe. So if you are experiencing that, don't feel like you're the only one because you're not. There's 29, 900. And you know all the nines. Yeah. Million other males there. So a person may have ED if they cannot achieve an erection at any time. Can achieve an erection, but it does not stay long. Harder. And long enough to have sex. Gosh, I'm having hard time reading this. Not because of that, but because I'm tired. Can achieve an erection sometimes, but not every time that they wish to have sex. So ED can be a symptom of another underlying health condition or health related factors. So type 2 diabetes. So people with type 2 diabetes are two to three times more likely to develop ED than males without. It can affect older and younger males. So lifestyle changes. A doctor may recommend exercise, healthy eating and quitting smoking. Oh, smoking affects it. Interesting medications. So Viagra. The doctor may prescribe testosterone if the person has low testosterone levels in their blood. Penile injections and suppositories. Injecting medication directly into the penis may help a person achieve an erection. A person can also insert a suppository in the urethra. Medications for this purpose include a prostadil. That's a very interesting word. Penis pumps. And there's also surgery. So there's lots of things. And another one is low libido, which affects a lot of people at various different. [01:38:03] Speaker A: Yeah. Different ages, different phases in your life. Stress, anxiety. [01:38:08] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. It's not uncommon for sexual desire to increase and decrease throughout a person's life depending on your hormones. So this comes in. Play around obviously when menopause, but I think they go through menopause as well. They say, yeah, but obviously in puberty and stuff you get that peak and then you, you know, and then you. Yeah. So there's all peaks throughout everyone's lives and they're all at different stages and it is normal. It's. It, it's helpful to talk about it and it is helpful to get help. Low libido may occur as a result of medical conditions such as underactive thyroid, low testosterone levels, depression, stress, or certain medications. So check your medications. A lot of them do say decreased sexual appetite. I need to get some of those. Give me some of those nitrates. So there, yeah, there's, you know, there's so many different things out there and it's important just to be okay with talking about it so you can get help so you don't live with shame or feeling embarrassed. Yeah. Yeah, because that could really affect your mental health. Pe, which is premature ejaculation, occurs when males ejaculate earlier than they would like during sex. So low levels of serotonin in the brain, which can reduce the time it takes to ejaculate. Depression, stress, anxiety about sexual performance and lack of confidence, relationship issues and aging all affect and can cause premature ejaculation. So the treatment for that is therapy and counseling, behavioural therapy to train the body to delay the ejaculation, medications to affect serotonin levels. Applying topical numbing creams or sprays to the penis to decrease sensation before having sex. Yeah, definitely. [01:40:02] Speaker A: Rings constricts the blood flow. Yep. And, yeah, they stay harder for longer. [01:40:09] Speaker B: Staying harder for longer. That's a good ad slogan. Yeah. For the rings. Awesome. Yes. So there's obviously alcohol, drug use, medication, surgery, hormonal conditions, other medical conditions like multiple sclerosis, nerve damage, stress, tiredness and aging. These all play part in these conditions with men. So, yeah, counseling, therapy, switching medications, stimulation with electrical or vibrator stimulations. So, yeah, there's so many different conditions, I actually wasn't really thinking along the lines of this. So thank you very much for sending in that question. Yeah. So what causes sexual dysfunction in males? Mental health conditions as depression, anxiety and stress. Physical health. That's why the doctor will always say exercise and diet. [01:41:05] Speaker A: Yeah. Yep. [01:41:06] Speaker B: Yeah. And age. So according to research, sexual dysfunction is common in males of different ages, 52% of them are in males 40 to 70. So aging definitely impacts sexual function. So there are treatments, there are alternatives and there is help out there. So please do seek help if you are suffering from these because it does really affect your mental health. It is really important to maintain a healthy lifestyle, eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly and stress management. So keeping any existing health conditions under control, achieving and maintaining a healthy weight. I have a problem with that myself, but I don't have any ED problems as yet. I'll let you know. Achieving. Yeah, avoiding cigarettes, alcohol and drugs, psychotherapy for mental health issue. If it's affecting your sexual function, talking to your healthcare professional, if medication could be causing sexual dysfunction. So these are all options. Please do get help. Go to your GP and have the conversation. Have it. Yes, we want to talk about sex because we want you to be healthy, mentally, sexually, physically. All the things. All the things. So I know it has been a little bit of a taboo subject and show tonight. Please. Thank you for joining us. Thank you so much for your comments, the laughs. Thank you. There's a Lot of things I wasn't able to read out on air. And that's why we don't do live talk calls, obviously. I wanted to talk more about your breath work and how. What have you got coming up with that? [01:42:53] Speaker A: We've. So this Sunday, the 28th, we've got our next big event. Yeah. Rise from Within. [01:43:05] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:43:05] Speaker A: Rise from Within. [01:43:06] Speaker B: That sounds awesome. That's a really good title. Very fitting. Very. [01:43:10] Speaker A: I love it. [01:43:10] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:43:11] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:43:12] Speaker B: So if people want to check it out, they can go to your breathe for them. [01:43:18] Speaker A: You can go for. Yeah. Go to. Go for. Go to Breathe for them on Instagram or Facebook. [01:43:25] Speaker B: Yep. [01:43:26] Speaker A: The event. There is a Facebook event made up. [01:43:29] Speaker B: Yep. [01:43:32] Speaker A: For. Yeah. This Sunday. [01:43:34] Speaker B: This Sunday. [01:43:35] Speaker A: This Sunday. Five hours. [01:43:37] Speaker B: Five hours. [01:43:38] Speaker A: Five hours. It's freaking awesome. Yeah, it's awesome. [01:43:42] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:43:43] Speaker A: Of. Yeah. Of connection, of release, of empowering. [01:43:48] Speaker B: Do you think doing something like that might help people with all these kinds of things as well? [01:43:54] Speaker A: I feel like everything comes back down to your nervous system. [01:43:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:43:57] Speaker A: Everything that we do at these events is based around regulating. [01:44:04] Speaker B: Yep. [01:44:05] Speaker A: Your nervous system. [01:44:06] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:44:07] Speaker A: Yeah. So much comes. I feel like everything comes back down to your nervous system, I think, honestly. [01:44:13] Speaker B: Yeah. And when we go through these traumas and these life challenges and things like that, your nervous system is out of whack and it's hard. [01:44:20] Speaker A: You know, you can go through life thinking, you know, not been through anyone. Traumatic event in particular. [01:44:28] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:44:31] Speaker A: But your nervous system can still be shot just from your day to day life. Like so many people are under pressure and under stress and all the things. And our nervous systems. Yeah. Just aren't regulated and everything that we do at these events changes that. [01:44:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:44:57] Speaker A: Breath work. [01:44:58] Speaker B: Yep. So therapy. I have got my friend Tim. He's sent in breathless breath work for sex therapy. Have you heard of that one? [01:45:08] Speaker A: Say that again. [01:45:08] Speaker B: Breathless breath work for sex therapy. [01:45:12] Speaker A: Nice. [01:45:13] Speaker B: Oh, wow. We'll have to get Tim and you in on a show together. Timbo, putting it to you, man. Come on. Yeah, yeah. Talk about all the things between the two breath work people. That would be cool. Yeah, Yeah. [01:45:27] Speaker A: A lot of my events and breath work have been based around the trauma and the loss. There is so many different avenues within breath work. Like so many. And I'm super, super keen to dive into more of that. You know what I mean? [01:45:55] Speaker B: Like he said, that's his own creation. That's why you haven't heard of it. [01:45:58] Speaker A: There we go, Tim. [01:46:01] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. Come and get us. Breathless. Oh, I'm a. I. That came out wrong. I just. [01:46:24] Speaker A: Yeah, no, I'd Be super, super ke. [01:46:27] Speaker B: Yeah. All right. [01:46:28] Speaker A: Tim, Tim, get in here. [01:46:30] Speaker B: Okay. It's catchy. It's catchy. I told you every. Everything sounds wrong tonight because that's where your mind is. I can't help it. I'd like to say it was just this show, but it's not. We know it's not. [01:46:52] Speaker A: That's why you wanted to pick this topic, wasn't it? [01:46:54] Speaker B: I did and it picked me. Oh, gosh. [01:46:59] Speaker A: Okay. Well, I'm not going to use the word. Come. [01:47:01] Speaker B: Come. Thank you. Come again. [01:47:09] Speaker A: People. [01:47:10] Speaker B: Oh, people, come. Oh, cool. We better wrap it up cuz someone needs to get I don't want to make pe pants tonight. But I think we were nearly there for a lot of the time. It's been good holding that one back. Oh, Lucy. God. Look, it's been a. It's been an interesting sub. We've had so much fun. It has. Yeah. We've. Yeah, we've gone through a lot of the things. All the things. [01:47:44] Speaker A: All the things. [01:47:45] Speaker B: And hopefully it has helped calm and normalize this subject because we talked about it does regularly. So get comfortable being uncomfortable and if. [01:47:56] Speaker A: You'Re uncomfortable with a session like this, well, even more reason for you to listen. [01:48:01] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Hopefully you've been informed and entertained. If not, I don't know. No, no, we've had fun. [01:48:13] Speaker A: Let's not go have sex. [01:48:14] Speaker B: Yeah, go have sex, baby. No, no. It's been great. All right. Thank you so much for joining me again, Kylie. I have my pleasure than discussing all the things tonight. It has been awesome. Thank you for joining us at IPL here for all the things Tuesday night. And we hope that you enjoy your sexual and mental health and have it improve. Yeah. Even just from things we've talked about 100. Look, me doing this show is what helps with my mental health. [01:48:44] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:48:45] Speaker B: As we're discussing that. So I think, you know, this is why I do what I do and I like to cover everything that does come up in my life or someone's life that will, you know, I'm talking. That's how I get the show's ideas sometimes and sometimes I just come in and wing it. But I think it's good when we cover things that are okay. Just comes to me. Come to me. Good. I couldn't get away with one more. We're having way too much fun here. I need to go to sleep. I'm tired. Thank you so much for joining us. And stay tuned. [01:49:25] Speaker A: The best music from the 60s to today. IPL radio.